Time...

Of course it's when I have an 8page essay due in less than 12 hours (and it's 1:08 am right now) that I'm possessed with an urge to go blog surfing (what was xanga-surfing -> now wordpress surfing?). Hey, where did ROL go?

You all have disappeared from my consciousness lately, and even though I knew that it was Rona's birthday I didn't manage to make the time to call or write.. AaaAaagh.

Actually, I'm quite disappointed with my spiritual development lately.
It's so easy to be happy here that I am not challenged with anything.
God has been placing gentle reminders on my heart all year long. I have launched into: 2 bible studies / week, large groups (helping lead worship), helping with children's ministry on Sundays in addition to regular service... I also go to morning prayer pretty much every morning. On Mondays I tutor a kid in Chinatown... That said, I don't spend all that much time on my homework... B's are the rule of the day. The rest of my energies are pretty much poured out on the people who surround me... I've taken up things like knitting, hand-making cards, small origami things, etc. etc. I write notes to people often. And every week or so I do a massive email cleanout (but it still accumulates) and try to get a few meaningful emails out... but the number of people to whom I haven't replied still keeps getting longer and longer, all of the people I've lost touch with... I haven't forgotten you!

So, spiritually... Last night I was on worship team as backup vocalist. We were underpracticed. There weren't enough lyrics/chords to go around, somebody had lost/stolen some of the microphones, we had a new / inexperienced guitarist who had trouble with rhythm... and I just remembered, "Dang, God. We need you so much." I had supersensitive microphone that picked up every time that I took a breath like some kind of hyperventilating gasp... but... yeah...
I pray every day and I read my Bible every day, but it seems that every time I come, I come with less and less of the expectation of truly meeting with God. I desire something more radical than this.
Not because I am trying to say, "God, give me this, make me feel good," but rather because, I know God is one to take us to the limitations of what we think... lately, I have come to value too much feeling comfortable, and what am I doing here? I float. I do my work, sometimes I stay up late to do it, but I'm not even sure if I'll go to grad school. Seminary? Marriage? Uh... scary-sounding. Time passes.

Today my friend who says he hasn't cried in about 8 years was crying in church. God has changed people in college; He is breaking people who never knew him before, giving families to those who have felt alone all their lives. Yet here I am...
Part of me thinks, Maybe this is part of the breaking. I'm left with just these gnawing dissatisfactions, things / imperfections that I cannot fix... I feel simultaneously called to give them up to God and also to tackle them with a sort of human action. I mean, you cannot just keep sinning and then say, "Sorry, God! Change me!"

I guess my point in listing all of the "Christian" activities that I am doing lately is just to say... well, it doesn't matter... Maybe I need to be spending less time in the Christian community and I need to be spending more time alone, with God.

Rejoice

God, I know that there's nothing in me that deserves this, but for some reason, you always surround me with love. So much love.

So much sin in me -- what human part that deserves to be treasured? But for some reason You lifted us out of the miry clay, to love You (insufficiently) and to bless one another, by Your grace.

"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17

It strikes one over the head sometimes... brings you to your knees before God.
Perhaps that what Paul means when he asks (Romans 2:4, paraphrased) "Do you not realize that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?"

God's patient in His work in us.

I have to testify...

This is just a snapshot of Harvard life... but I'm overflowing, I have to say something. Here goes.

...

Just last night to this morning, I will give examples... Last night at 10:30pm I rouse myself drowsily out of bed -- it is seven delinquent boys from Christian Impact and (Harvard-Radcliffe)Christian Fellowship serenading us with four(?)-part harmony acapella rendition of "My Girl," descending into very sweet beat-boxed / rapped praise. And then home-made baclava! Wow, YUM!
This morning I woke up and quickly became somewhat sad/depressed... I went to morning prayer late, and rather sad. I did not say a single word, but somehow my sister Tulita knew that I was struggling and quickly came over. She and Chris prayed for me together, which meant a lot to me, even though I remained vague about the nature of my prayer request. Later she found me at Loker and we talked some more... so encouraging, that girl. I love to see her worshipping. AWESOME STUFF, GOD!
I struggle through classes and stuff, feeling like an idiot... Tutoring goes well, for which I give You praise! Then at core group, man... the guys are SO sweet. It descends into a time of mutual encouragement, the upperclassmen praising the frosh coregroup and us saying, "Thank you, upperclassmen, for YOUR service!" Seriously, where would we be without this family? I know that I'm not the only one thankful for it... Was talking to Matt on Friday, and, wow, there really is something special about this family that we're in. (Can you say Jesus?)
After coregroup, Derek and Matt BOTH walk me back to Greenough (and both independently volunteer for it, too!) since Jacob's at the Greenough game... Then Derek calls me up with some super-encouraging words... It's quite... startling. I mean, how can I be a role model or whatever I am -- somehow worthy of praise, in any way -- being what I am? I am not sure, Lord.
Yet You are able. I mean, You use us as we are... and what's more, You're graceful, and You allow us to see each other as You see us. You see ALL of our flaws (which other people mostly don't), but more than anything, You see us as covered in Christ's blood. You delight in us, even though You more than anybody could rightfully condemn us for all of our lacks and imperfections... You graciously allow us to delight in one another, though it's just as easy for us to hate one another and fight and bicker... But God, You're gracious. You give in love abundantly.
Then Grace Yeh stops by... She went home for the weekend, brought back food, and SOME OF IT WAS FOR ME! I am so touched... There was no reason why she should remember me, but she did/does. Wow, who would have thought? This is all because one time we met in an AFA at 20 Banks and we both looked totally lost and we made friends. God, You make friends.
Then Jacob stopped by after his game with more encouragement.

So, to recap -- when I am feeling sad, God sends:

Last night:
7 guys to surprise sing a capella + bring hand-made Greek pastries
This morning:
Morning prayer, plus a sister and brother who pray for me specifically (unsolicited)
Tonight:
-Freshman core group (yummy food, great people, an awesome living WORD)
-People to walk me back to the dorm (I live outside of the Harvard Yard)
-Grace Yeh randomly brings me food that she brought back from home (including homemade EGG TARTS and sticky rice!! Oh my goodness)
-encouraging phone call
-other encouraging visitor with great news (Greenough won the basketball game, btw)

This in addition to all of my awesome loving bro's and sisters who just take out their time of day to bless me... the random personal emails, etc. Wow.
Hm, still there are days when I miss home like crazy. Well, Harvard will never replace home, but it's another home now.

I won't see you all for spring break =( I leave for Taiwan on Friday morning.

Dude. I miss ROL people.

I was planning to make a new blog but never found the time.

It snowed today.

I took a final today.

I have another final tomorrow.

Great time to update, eh?

Today was such a slow day -- I lost my ID card for the THIRD time -- and of course after a week of clear skies it has to be the one day that it starts snowing, making it somehow impossible to find my card... $20 a card, guys. I'm getting used to standing outside waiting for some passerby to open the door for me.

Actually, it's not that bad. I enjoy being outside, and the snow is beautiful. You can make snowballs and throw them at people, or write love letters in the snow. Hehe.

I do hope to update more in the future.

P.S. After finals tomorrow, I'm going to NYC for 4 days, then back to school for another 4 days, then second semester starts.

P.P.S. I've learned: that God is faithful. This is hands-on education.

"Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."

Philippians 2:12-13

"Free will" -- what do we do and what does God do? Who knows? Does it matter? We do our best and pray continually that He'll bring us to what we've been called.